Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
