If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
