dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
being pregnant is like rehab
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
