you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
