i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
