...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
