I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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