Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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