i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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