we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
