There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
