So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
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She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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