yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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