it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
