My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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