We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
