I cannot find my penis.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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