If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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