she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
