Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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