You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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