I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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