just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
