you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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