note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize