I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
