I only kidnapped one of them. chill
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
