just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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