i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
