I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
