You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
