My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
