Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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