Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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