trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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