New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
