When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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