it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
