hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This house was built for laser tag.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
