Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
