Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
