Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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