I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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