porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
