I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!