If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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