sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Two words: nipple clamps
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