either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
