nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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