I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
