In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
