I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.